A lot has been going on in my life offline. So many things have been shifting and changing, so much is happening all around me and effecting me. For the past several years, I've felt weighed down by life, suffocated, with a tiny hope that at some point, things would start to get better. About two years ago, that hope got a little bit bigger. And then so much happened to almost completely crush my hope completely. I've lost so many loved ones, and have had to deal with so many health scares with my parents. I lost a lot of the people I could really talk to, at least offline, and the one friend offline I still have is going through some things right now that I can't be a part of.
All our connections here are gone. They've either died, moved, or are moving soon. All the joy of living here is lost. This place is nothing but a city full of careless, selfish people and memories - good ones that are too close and bring pain, and bad ones that rub it in that the good times are gone.
For the longest time, I've tried not to feel suffocated underneath all the stress, all the health scares, all the death, all the work, all of the real life crap that kept coming and coming and never gave me a break - all while trying to deal with becoming an adult. The last years of my childhood were spent in almost utter misery, and while I never fully succumbed to the depression of my earlier teen years, I was very rarely actually happy. And when it was, it was short lived. Officially, legally, I am an adult. I don't feel like one. But I do feel old. Sometimes I feel haggard. I feel terrified and afraid of growing up, yet I also feel ashamed and embarrassed that I haven't fully grown up yet.
There's just this part of me that's thought, if it's so bad now, how much worse will it get when I truly am an adult? Life gets harder. Not better.
Well, life can get better. And finally, it has for me and my family. An even bigger change is happening right now, one that we actually want, one that we're accepting fully and rushing towards even. Soon we'll be out of this place, and I know that all of us will be better off. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.
Soon, I'll have a more sane life. We'll live in a place that's friendly, that's like a community with big town shopping. Gone from the reckless, stressful traffic that's been ruining my poor father, gone from the seedy, selfish feeling this city has. Gone from the packed feeling, the crammed feeling, the sense that the city never grows, it just gets more people who don't care about anyone but themselves.
This move is the first time I've felt truly, sincerely, completely hopeful in a long, long time. I'm overjoyed. I'm excited. I'm optimistic, and that's something I haven't really been in years. We'll have a new life, a new start, what we've needed for so long.
There aren't any more family members who are sick, just lingering a little longer until they pass. There isn't a job holding Dad down and holding him back, we're no longer part of that place anymore. The stress of it and of this city will soon be gone from our lives. We're finally free, and the doors are finally open.
Those closest to me know my faith, and know how I feel about this move already. I've told them how much this means to me. This move, I feel that this is what we've been waiting for. That we lost our connections here for a reason. That the years of loss and stress and waiting and waiting for it to get better, they've led up to this point. Preparing us for it, trying to make us ready for it and ready to see it. And I am so, so grateful.
I won't be online much until getting settled, which will take a while. I don't know how long, but I'm patient, this is worth the patience. I probably won't be updating here regularly again for a while, though I may just use this journal for keeping in contact with certain friends and posting in icon communities, maybe posting updates with my stories and videos in here as well - though I won't have much time to do many updates with either of those for a while either.
But I wanted to let my friends know I'm still around, and that my life is looking up, so hopefully I will be able to return to being a good, decent friend again and keeping up with everyone else. A huge thank you to those that have been so supportive and understanding, and a big apology for not working harder at keeping in touch with everyone.
Oh, and my obsession finally came out. Despite the flaws, i do indeed adore Skinwalkers and Varek/Sonja. ;)
Current Mood: optimistic